Hi FontStructors.

You have always given so generously your encouragement, respect, and genuine interest in my contributions here. For this, I thank you with an upwelling in my heart that all your praise and amazement has brought me. I have read every word you wrote, received every gift you gave so openly, and I do not forget you.

Yet I have not consistently reciprocated and honored these gifts with the same steadfast good will. I have gone sometimes for long stretches in silence, dropped meaningful exchanges midstream, or disappeared altogether...floating somewhere in space, hiding in some dark nebulae, leaving you oblivious...but for the artifacts of my work.

I have promised revelations when none came, explanations of my inventions that perhaps escaped even me (If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough —Albert Einstein), and as far as I am concerned generally behaved poorly. For this, I apologize. I own that I have vexed some – perhaps many – of you.

I take responsibility for my behavior when I have treated you with disrespect. This apology cannot like a big old comforter cover up all the disappointments, wrap them up so nice and snug, and tuck them into bed. Partly this is because, in truth, there are too many such missteps of mine, small and big. Partly this is because I am specifying nothing.

It is not my intention here to be absolved of anything. I do not wish to implicate anyone personally in a public way. I do not wish to manipulate any of you.

It is I who have something to learn by my failures in these interactions. Let me be real: FontStruct is a brilliant and creative escape for me, yet nonetheless an escape. I have winnowed away so many minutes juggling bricks. If I come out on top, lucky and hungry enough for the grind, at the end I may be left with something hewn less from stone than from my life itself. A complex array of pixelated glyphs, a crystalized sequence of thought-forms, a fontstruction...what is it made of if not time?

So I haven’t been treating this as real, and it shows. There is a guilt underlying my escapism that virtually compels me to tragedy if not villainy – even if it means simply sabotaging and then discrediting myself. None of you deserve this, not even me. You are all real people, so when my actions have hurt you they have been painful for me as well.

I am stepping forward with these feelings in hand because to dwell on them without any corrective action is self-destructive. I can’t abandon them either because I have tried that and it doesn’t work. No amount of self-justification brings me peace.

I am working to be humble and to create of myself a better man in all realms of my life. With that, know that my ears are open to you. If you want to share with me your experience so I can hear you and learn better through this, please take the time to privately message me. I will read it and respond.

Thank you all. Peace.

Thank you for your thoughts, AFT.

My personal growth is to recognize the shadows of my past I was escaping from sometimes while fontstructing and to face these challenges with compassion and without fear. This is the direction I intend to pursue.

I experienced a recent and devastating loss in my family. This has also been a source of a great deal of intensity and grief in my life. So much struggle in finding a way to express this, but also so many secrets being revealed at the same time for whatever reason. I have felt intensely confused and isolated.

Now, as I come out of this crisis, I can see my life in a new light and emerge from some old ways of seeing, the mists of innocent childhood defense mechanisms. I am committed to grow and in that I will try to make amends where I can by starting with forgiving myself and committing to honesty and directness.

Though I am clear that fontstructing has been a periodically unhealthy escape for me, I have undeniably been a creative voice in a supportive community. My times aren’t wasted in that regard. And for that, you deserve better than my pattern of disrespectful communication at times and of late.

Many have proven that skillful investment in fontstruct can translate to commercial or artistic significance beyond my samples and other offerings here. My art, then, has always been in pushing the medium into unknown and surprising territory. I want to apply the same wonder and sense of discovery to my real life and find my way.

@demonics: Thank you for your compassionate words of understanding. Yes it’s been a dark road and hard to find my way, yet I have truly found new light through this tunnel. I will keep following it as I hold it inside of me.

@elmoyenique: I won’t give up! Thank you. Sometimes you may bend the English language a bit (in new and creative ways), but the heart and intent of your message always comes through clearly for me. I am honored to be an inspiration to you. Your work has always impressed me for its beauty, uniqueness, and completeness.

That song you posted really speaks the heart of the matter. It was an unexpected gift. I think I will listen again!

@Damaris: Thank you for your nice message.

@demonics: It is a hard thing to read, but that’s not your fault. I wrote it, after all. I think you are being both a friend and community member to answer these questions. Thank you, truly, for the good intention and helping translating for me.

@cablecomputer: Thank you for your kind words. This has been a hard time, and I am grateful for all the support I have had. It’s not easy for me to go into, so I think my message got confusing. I feel all the words you have written to me here have been well-intended, and that’s what most matters to me.